Whoa nelly! I get the distinct feeling I may be going where no (wo)man has gone before. Daunting, yes! Real, for sure! This here, folks, may just be the start of a series I could call "Keeping It Real".
It's time for me to share with you, in bullet form, the thoughts and internal dialogue that reeled through my mind after our head pastor, Jim, climbed on the elliptical RIGHT NEXT TO ME and our associate pastor, Brett, planked on the mats TO OUR IMMEDIATE LEFT. Buckle in, and keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times. And no judging, mm-kay? This here is honesty at it's finest:
* Oh man, it's Jim...what's pastoral protocol when it comes to greeting a sweaty tank-topped woman on the elliptical? Act natural...take out your ear bud, smile, and say hi Jim.
* Surely I don't want to make him feel bad...maybe I should slow down. But what if he's holding back right now but will push the RPM's up after his warm-up, leaving me in the dust? Oh Jennie, this isn't a competition. But wait, what if it is?
* Okay, don't look, it seems he's entering his information. That means he'll be entering his weight. What does he weigh? None of your bees wax. New approach - blinders! Pretend you have your blinders on!
* Blinders are on! But what if I'm being unfriendly? No, err on the side of not crossing whatever imaginary line may exist. For heaven's sake, you don't want him to think you're hitting on him. Hitting on him? I'd never do that...well then don't make it seem like you could be.
* Food Network is a safe channel right? Nothing offending? Oh shoot, why did that commercial have to have a chef wearing such a low-cut top? Did I just expose my pastor to her cleavage without even meaning to? What's he thinking? Should I change the channel. Oh wait, we're back to grilling, this is safe!
* Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no! I should have laid off the jalapeno poppers at last nights' super bowl party. Jennie, you know poppers cause gas. Just HOLD. IT. IN! If it were anybody else you could let it slip (slowly and silently for sure) but this is your pastor!
* Brett can plank? He's pretty old. Old? What if he knew you referred to him as old? Whatever, in any case, he can plank! And side plank? When I get off this machine I am so going to out-plank him.
* Start timing him now. Go! One second, two seconds, ten seconds, one minute...He doesn't even know it but he's giving me a run for my money! I'm going to have to plank for over a minute? Oh well, at least he'll be gone by the time I'm done on the elliptical and he won't know whether my plank beats his or not.
* Look away! He's looking up and again, girlfriend, you don't want to be caught staring at your associate pastor.
* Do Jim and Brett meet after they workout? Will they discuss the fact that I was watching them? But I'm not watching them. Clearly I'm NOT. WATCHING. THEM.
* Oh phew, Jim's only doing 30 minutes on the elliptical. I'll be on longer than him and, clearly, I'll have won. Oh Jennie, it's not a competition. But maybe it was.
* He's done cleaning his machine. Do I say goodbye?
* "Bye Jim, have a good workout, or day, err...". Just smile and it'll be alright.
* Oh look, Brett's done too and I only have a couple minutes left.
* I wonder if stress combined with cardio ups your calorie burn?
* The coast is clear now. Just let it out slowly and silently.
Friends, let me assure you that you would not have envied my position! Working out beside pastors is not recommended from this chica! But really, do you think I got a better workout because of it?
And for the record recycled jalapeno poppers *AHEM* aren't all that bad!
And the best part of this whole thing? I can rest assured this'll get back to one or the both of them in some shape or form.
Pray for me!